Bringing you opinions that are better than your own



Tuesday, April 1st, 2008                                                                         8:23 PM

Top 7 Ugliest Game Characters


7. Wario (WarioWare Series)


Fashion advice:

Alright, so first of all, when your head is almost the same size as your body, there's a problem. Naturally all people with this rare condition are going to want to add some overly tight pink pants and a teenage girl's denim jacket into the mix to make it look better and pointy elf shoes also bring in the ladies, or so I'm told. And if you're going with that why not just grow a mustache too big for your face to sit under your horribly mis-colored nose? And throw in a helmet that's too small for your head: safety first! Don't even bother strapping it on because the straps won't even reach to your butt-shaped chin.

6. Nightmare (Soul Calibur Series)


Pet Description:

How huggable does THAT guy look? Oh sure, he has giant, death-dealing claws  on his crazy hand, and a sword made of flames in the other, but those things just make it a more warm embrace! I'm not completely sure if that purple stuff coming off his head is hair, but if it is, hook me up with some of whatever he's shampooing with. That giant demon eye that replaced his heart is a little awkward, but think of it as a conversation piece! Also, remember never to let him head a soccer ball...

5. Blanka (Street Fighter Series)


Online Dating Site Profile:

Name: Chunlisman68
Describes himself: Tall and muscular, exotic complexion with flowing red hair.
Likes: Long walks on the beach and eating babies
Quote: "Sometimes my pupils dissapear when I'm angry. Chicks dig it."
No fatties.

4. Lars Umlaut (Guitar Hero Series)


I think I just realized that Lars is wearing part of a drum kit as pants, so if I ever make a "Top 7 Most Awesome Game Characters" list you can bet that he'll be on it. Until then I'm forced to point out that Lars' nose comes off his head at a very disturbing angle. His body type is best described as "More to Love", so his decision to not wear very much clothing helped him onto this list. The fact that he single-handedly made the Guitar Hero 3 box art creepy with that one exposed nipple makes him a real winner too. Thanks for ruining my little sister's childhood with that one, Activision.

3. Every player on a Madden game ever, and John Madden himself (Madden Football Simulation Monopoly/Series)


Look at that sick, sick man in the picture above this sentence. Take in those bushy red eyebrows and those bloodshot, money-hungry eyes. This is what happens when you miss with the botox needle, kids. It's practically possible to see the tag that says "I-can't-believe-it's-not-real-hair" sticking out of that melon of his. Players in the Madden series of games aren't much better off themselves. With a their dead eyes and abilities to pass through each other (only noticeable in slo-mo replays), every player in the NFL looks much like a brain-dead body builder, which is in no way an oxymoron.

2. Tingle (Zelda Series)

Wanted Poster:

Tiny man with buck teeth, squinty eyes, and red manpanties. Known to wear a Flavor-Flav style clock necklace. Considered dangerous, especially to children. If you see this man, do your best to burst his bubble, whether literally or figuratively.

1. Ramon Salazar (Resident Evil 4)

Who better as a bad guy than a toothless, midget manbaby? Throw in a never-changing facial expression that says "I eat puppies for breakfast" and you have yourself one of RE4's lead antagonists. The gangsta fools just chillin' in the background don't distract from Salazar's hideousness. His decision to dress as a tiny Christopher Colombus only proves his insanity, because no one in their right mind wears socks like that any more. Also, his hands are terribly mis-proportioned to his face. That's not that ugly, I'm just nitpicking at this point. The guy is creepier than an uncle who goes to Hannah Montana concerts by himself, is my point, though. Which EASILY puts him at the top slot on my list of the top seven ugliest game characters.

So that's pretty much it! If you think I left anyone out that's just tough bananas kiddos, because this list is DONE. Email any comments to inohabloespanol@yahoo.com and pass it along!

-Ryan Rigney