Wednesday, April 9th, 2008 4:49 PM
Reasons Cosplayers Scare Me
Since you're obviously all familiar with
the "interwebz", I'm going to assume that you've heard of cosplayers.
These people are perfectly respectable in their own way, and SOME of
them are normal. Most, however, look like the guy to the right of this paragraph
(or worse). Look at that man. That's either a face of a severe kidney
disorder or of a broken childhood. If it weren't for his undeniable
skill with a Sharpie, I wouldn't even know what that's supposed to be.
Just another example of your generic cosplayer. He also looks like a
pedophile. This is an introduction to some of the multiple reasons that I am truly afraid of these people. This cult of panty-wearing devils is a force that should be removed from society and then shoved off a cliff into a bottomless abyss (or at least one with starched pillows at the bottom)
WTG
Sometimes I like to play a game with my friends and random passerby called "What's That Gender!?" The goal of the game is to determine the sex of the person in question. If close examination of the subject does not cause the real gender to become evident, players are encouraged go up to the subject and attempt to begin a short conversation in order to determine how deep the subject's voice is. If the gender is still in question, players punch the subject in the crotch and measure on a scale of 1 to 10 how much pain was caused to the individual. Optionally, players without the guts to do such a thing can just throw their hands in the air and scream "WHAT ARE YOU!?!?!" If the subject does not answer, it is determined that he/she is a mute mangirl. I'm betting that the thingy in the picture to the right is composed of two bearded Vietnamese midget women standing on each others' shoulders. It really is a toss-up though. Disgusting, and yet hilarious.
Yet another problem with the cosplay community is that the members are prone to smell like raunchy aardvark butt. Nothing quite beats the smell of a sweaty, mountain dew-covered, morbidly obese Master Chief cosplayer. Actually, lots of things beat that smell, like the crack of my behind. Many a convention center has been left in the near-radioactive wake of the cosplay community. The makers of fabreze love it, but no amount of rain-scented goodness can conceal the horror that is the smell of a fancily-dressed nerd. And what is that guy on the left even DOING with that Pikachu?! Whatever it is, I'm sure that it's not legal in at least the lower 48 states. If it is, God bless America when he moves up from stuffed dolls to actual children.
A prime candidate for a rousing
round of "What's That Gender!?"
Since you're obviously all familiar with
the "interwebz", I'm going to assume that you've heard of cosplayers.
These people are perfectly respectable in their own way, and SOME of
them are normal. Most, however, look like the guy to the right of this paragraph
(or worse). Look at that man. That's either a face of a severe kidney
disorder or of a broken childhood. If it weren't for his undeniable
skill with a Sharpie, I wouldn't even know what that's supposed to be.
Just another example of your generic cosplayer. He also looks like a
pedophile. This is an introduction to some of the multiple reasons that I am truly afraid of these people. This cult of panty-wearing devils is a force that should be removed from society and then shoved off a cliff into a bottomless abyss (or at least one with starched pillows at the bottom)Sometimes I like to play a game with my friends and random passerby called "What's That Gender!?" The goal of the game is to determine the sex of the person in question. If close examination of the subject does not cause the real gender to become evident, players are encouraged go up to the subject and attempt to begin a short conversation in order to determine how deep the subject's voice is. If the gender is still in question, players punch the subject in the crotch and measure on a scale of 1 to 10 how much pain was caused to the individual. Optionally, players without the guts to do such a thing can just throw their hands in the air and scream "WHAT ARE YOU!?!?!" If the subject does not answer, it is determined that he/she is a mute mangirl. I'm betting that the thingy in the picture to the right is composed of two bearded Vietnamese midget women standing on each others' shoulders. It really is a toss-up though. Disgusting, and yet hilarious.Natural Scent of the Cosplayer
Yet another problem with the cosplay community is that the members are prone to smell like raunchy aardvark butt. Nothing quite beats the smell of a sweaty, mountain dew-covered, morbidly obese Master Chief cosplayer. Actually, lots of things beat that smell, like the crack of my behind. Many a convention center has been left in the near-radioactive wake of the cosplay community. The makers of fabreze love it, but no amount of rain-scented goodness can conceal the horror that is the smell of a fancily-dressed nerd. And what is that guy on the left even DOING with that Pikachu?! Whatever it is, I'm sure that it's not legal in at least the lower 48 states. If it is, God bless America when he moves up from stuffed dolls to actual children.A prime candidate for a rousing
round of "What's That Gender!?"
A few more images to prove my points and ruin your day:
I'm totally aware of the fact that that was only one picture. I think I speak for everyone with the statement that this image is really more than enough, though. If you aren't scared of cosplayers now as well, I envy you and your iron stomach and massive tolerance level, which is probably fueled by alchohol. Good day to you all.
-Ryan Rigney
(Notice: All articles are written with tongue-in-cheek)
-Ryan Rigney
(Notice: All articles are written with tongue-in-cheek)