Monday, April 14th, 2008 6:34 PM
8 Curiously Peculiar, Recurrent "Traditional
RPG" Elements that are Fairly Retarded
(and a series of completely baseless theories as to why they exist)
8. Hit Points
If you were to get shot in the face or beaten over the head with a giant sword you wouldn't lose "hit points." You'd bleed a whole lot, and then you'd die. No amount of potions or herbs you suck down is gonna change that. So how is it that Cloud and friends can get bitten, stabbed, shanked, paddle-slapped, and hit with lightning all day long, and all they have to do is go rest at an inn and everything will be just fantastic? Nevermind that you just got hit with a raging blast of flame and have 3rd degree burns: just use a gel and you'll be totally healed instantly! Oh and try telling your Uncle Dwayne that simply using a "full heal" will cure his paralysis. Idiotic.
7. The Mute Hero
If
someone were to ask you a question and you just grimly stared back you
would be considered rude, or it would be assumed that you spoke a
different language or were mentally handicapped, or were distracted by
something terribly shiny in the bushes, or all four things. Not so, in
RPGs. If someone asks you a question in one such game and you happen to
be the hero of the tale, all that is required of you is a nod or grunt,
at best. Then the person with whom you are in conversation with will
continue babbling on about their pantie size or whatever as if you
answered. I have come to believe that characters such as Link from the
"Legend of Zelda" series has telepathic abilities, due to my witnessing
of situations like the one described above. Either that or everyone is
delusional and just thinks that he answered. That would explain the
constant look of confusion on Link's face. These thoughts lead me to my
next point:
6. Repetitive Townspeople
Much unlike people you meet on the street in the real world, who are usually rapists, pedophiles, hookers, drug dealers, or traveling piñata salesmen with lots of things to say, townspeople in RPGs are a fairly repetitive lot. With a usual maximum of two possible phrases for the little morons to spout ("The weather is nice today!", or "I have anal seepage!") conversation can become a bore fairly quickly. Perhaps they really all have a whole lot to say, but they all have short-term memory loss (don't drink the water) and they forget that they've already told you how much they love the market THIRTY SEVEN TIMES IN A ROW. Another theory of mine is that the people are simply using an annoying tactic to get you to leave them alone. If this is the case, I have to admit it works well...5. Unfortunate Taste In Clothes
I really think that this picture speaks for itself but I mean REALLY. This guy woke up and decided to not only wear a skirt with a crack right down the crotch, but he threw in an overly tight shirt and ankle chains to boot. And while he was at it I guess he just figured he'd throw in some non-symmetrical shoulder thingies just as a bonus for all the kids at home. This is a problem with RPG characters. No one in their right mind wants to see a big cartoon man nipple. So keep those types of things under wraps, Namco. You're ruining way too many childhoods here. And I bet that scar down his chest isn't even real. It's probably crayola markers. Oh and one more thing. If I EVER see someone wearing more than one belt at a time, you can check the nightly news for the story of an enraged writer kidney-chopping an innocent bystander with a strange taste in fashion because that TICKS ME OFF. You're wearing a skirt anyway! It's not like you're that concerned about making sure it stays on all the way!
PS: His hair is stupid lookin' too.
4. An Adorable, Talking, Furry Thing With An Obnoxious Voice
3. At LEAST One Flamboyantly "Girl-Unliking" Male Character
It never fails. You'll play through an entire game thinking that a character is a girl. And then, at the very end, they're referred to in the third person as a man. You feel cheated and dirty. You may ask yourself "why?", but it's not your fault. And with time, you'll heal from the pain and trauma caused to you by this horrible realization of the lie that you had believed. Until then, avoid all RPGs, because ALL of them have at least one cross-dressing fruitpie.
2. Somebody Is "THE CHOSEN ONE"
So you're playing this totally normal RPG, when all the sudden, about halfway through the game BAM!! PLOT TWIST!! YOO R TEH CHOSEN WUN!! YOO GOTS TU SAV TEH WURLD! and you're like all "NO WAIS I CANT DU IT", but then you get help from your friends. And then the credits roll. I just spoiled the ending of every game ever made by Namco. Sorry guys.
1. Final Bosses Go Through More Forms Than Madonna
Late '80s Madonna
I kinda already covered this in my "10 Worst Traits of a Nintendo-Made Game" article, but bosses that come back to life after you kill them are a lot like red popsicles. I'm not going to finish that analogy, but you readers will probably figure it out.
If you do, email me at RKRigney@gmail.com
And that concludes this totally random and uncalled-for rant.
-Ryan Rigney